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Assholes: They seem to be everywhere. So, how do you know if someone truly, really is an Asshole? Unlike an emotional vampire, you can’t just wave a clove of garlic at them and hope they disappear. Assholes come and go, and if you suspect that you have one in your life, you should get rid of them, at least until they grow a brain and stop being an Asshole. Dating an asshole? Well, let’s find out.

1. The Asshole Doesn’t Listen

What? Is that the sound of my own voice? If not, then I won’t bother to hear you. Assholes don’t listen, they just talk, talk, talk. They love the sound of their own voices so much that they don’t care what other’s have to say. If someone in your life is always talking, interrupting, yelling over the top of you or ringing you obsessively: This could be a sign that you are dating an Asshole.

2. Your Friends and Family all Hate the Asshole

Mother can’t stand him or her? Father disappears into the back shed when they come around? Friends not inviting you out? Get seated at the rear of the wedding reception hall? If the person you are going out with is causing you to become ostracised from your nearest and dearest, then: This could be another sign that you are dating an Asshole.

3. The Asshole only thinks about Themselves

Your needs and wants? Why would I care about your needs and wants? If someone in your life is constantly talking, thinking, focusing and worrying all about themselves, then what chance do you have? Some people are quite content to have a love affair with themselves and there’s no need to let anyone else in. If a person in your life is just there for you to act as a sounding board to theirs, then: This could be yet another sign that you are dating an Asshole.

4. The Asshole Lies and Cheats

Assholes have trouble staying honest, because they are used to looking after number one: themselves. They will lie, cheat and steal to make sure that they get the best in life and everyone else gets the scraps. In the end, they are really only lying and cheating themselves. If someone in your life has a strange relationship to the truth: This could be a sign that you are dating an Asshole.

5. The Asshole is Secretive

Like lying and cheating, Assholes often keep things close to their chests. They don’t feel the need to be open and honest and they probably have other idiots like you on the go. If it looks like a rat and acts like a rat. Well, you know how the saying goes. If someone in your life seems to be keeping things from you: This could be yet another sign that you are dating an Asshole.

6. The Asshole Abuses You

Calling you names, harming your things, grabbing you or bruising you, if an Asshole does any of these things you know what you’ve got on your hands. If the Asshole in your life is crossing the boundaries in this way, then you really have to decide to call it a day. If someone in your life is abusing you: then there is no doubt: you are dating an Asshole.

7. The Asshole Doesn’t Love You

Even worse than the point above (OK maybe not quite as bad if the abuse is physical) is the Asshole who just doesn’t love you. If you suspect that you’re just there to keep the bed warm until the next willing idiot takes your place, then you need to move on. If someone in your life just doesn’t love you: This is the biggest sign that you are dating an Asshole.

7 Major Assholes:

1. Mel Gibson

Ant-Semitic, wife beater and long-term religious fanatic and alcoholic. Just be grateful that you’ve never met him.

2. Brad Pitt

Sorry Brad, but that was really low how you cheated on Jen Aniston. Then got Angelina pregnant. Then divorced Jen, then married Ange. Then had five kids within six months. That was harsh, dude.

3. Angelina Jolie

And you get a mention too, Angelina. Nice girls don’t steal other women’s men. But you’ve never really been a nice girl. Humanitarian? But a major Asshole.

4. Russell Brand

Sex crazed and wacky, I kind of like you, but I know you must have been an asshole to Katy Perry. This is the sort of Asshole that flirts with your mother, just to make his ego a little bigger.

5. Taylor Swift

It’s not very nice to write break-up songs about all your ex partners, but hopefully you’ll grow out of it. I was an Asshole when I was your age too.

6. Billy Bob Thornton

Left Laura Dern for Angelina Jolie. Remember? How’s this for a rotten break-up story? From

The couple confirmed their split on April 6, and by April 7 Angelina Jolie was seen sporting a “Billy Bob” tattoo. According to the New York Daily News, Thornton called Dern to say he had no intention of marrying Jolie but was just “doing his thing” and four days later, Thornton and Jolie eloped to Las Vegas. “I left home to work on a movie, and while I was away, my boyfriend got married, and I’ve never heard from him again,” Dern said in the October issue of Talk Magazine. “It’s like a sudden death.” After the split, Thornton was quoted as saying: “God bless her. I hope she’s so happy. I want her to be so happy. But it was over. That’s all.”

7. Ashton Kutcher

Demi’s breakdown? Nuff said. Could have handled that better, buddy.