Dating billy corgan like

Billy Corgan Claims He Saw A Human Supernaturally Transform Before His Very Eyes

Mariah Carey is to Christmas what Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan is to Halloween. I mean, it’s right there in the name of his band! Billy’s into spooky shit. He used to pal around with Marilyn Manson, his shiny knob of a head looks like an actual skeleton head (ok, skull, whatever! It’s Friday, cut me some slack) and he used to fuck with Tila Tequila! I think it would be safe to say he’s hard to scare. However, Entertainment Weekly reports that Billy was once creeped out to his core by some supernatural shit he once witnessed.

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Billy Corgan Is Somebody’s Father Now

People says that noted pussy lover and Tila Tequila’s one-time piece (2009 was a weird time) Billy Corgan made a baby with his girlfriend of 2 years Chloe Mendel, who is a singer-songwriter type and daughter of fashion designer Gilles Mendel. 48-year-old Billy and 22-year-old Chloe live in Chicago together and both work at his tea shop/art studio Madame ZuZu’s. (Fun fact: Chloe was born two years after Smashing Pumpkins’ first album came out. We’re all old and I can feel my pubes turning white.) Chloe birthed out a baby pumpkin prince on November 16 and Billy’s rep just got around to telling everyone it happened. And sadly, Billy didn’t name his son, Stay Away From Rose McGowan Corgan.

The singer-songwriter and Chloe Mendel welcomed their first child, son Augustus Juppiter Corgan, on Monday, Nov. 16, his rep confirms to PEOPLE.

They should’ve went with “Augustus Gloop,” because I speak for all of us when I say that every time we see the name “Augustus” we automatically see “Gloop” after it. I don’t even know what a “Juppiter” is. Did Billy and Chloe just throw that extra p in there to up the fuckery factor? I Googled “Juppiter” and the only thing that came up was a page saying that “juppiter” is an alternative form of “luppiter” and “luppiter” is Latin for Jupiter. There’s nothing more hipster than naming your baby after the alternative form of a Latin name for a Roman God. Well, when Augustus Juppiter gets older, he can start a space-themed electro band with Rocket Zot and Pilot Inspektor.

And I really hope that Kim Gordon sends Billy a note that reads: “Congrats on your newborn, but you’re still the biggest fucking crybaby in your house.”

Pic: Getty

Kim Gordon Has Some Shit To Say About Courtney Love And Billy Corgan

Go ahead and add “Kim Gordon is talking shit about Courtney Love and Billy Corgan” after “Suge Knight is killing people, Missy Elliott is on TV and gas is under $2 a gallon” to your “the 90s really are back” joke.

Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon wrote her memoir titled Girl In A Band and it wouldn’t be a Kim Gordon memoir if she didn’t yank at Courtney Love’s hair and put a wig on Billy Corgan’s bald head so she can yank that off too. The Guardian published a few pieces from Kim Gordon’s book, which comes out later this month, and she shows that amateur Katy Perry how to really shit talk. Kim says that Courtney is covered in “tarantula LA glamour” (that sounds like a compliment to me) and says that Billy Corgan doesn’t just look like an overgrown Benjamin Button baby, he is a baby:

On working with Courtney Love on Hole’s first album: “No one ever questions the disorder behind her tarantula LA glamour – sociopathy, narcissism – because it’s good rock and roll, good entertainment! I have a low tolerance for manipulative, egomaniacal behaviour, and usually have to remind myself that the person might be mentally ill.”

On Billy Corgan: “Courtney asked us for advice about her ‘secret affair’ with Billy Corgan. I thought, Ewwww, at even the mention of Billy Corgan, whom nobody liked because he was such a crybaby, and Smashing Pumpkins took themselves way too seriously and were in no way punk rock.”

On finding out that her now ex-husband Thurston Moore had a side piece: “No one could understand how Thurston, who always had a good nose for the user, the groupie, the nutcase or the hanger-on, had let himself get pulled under by her. I did feel some compassion for Thurston … but that’s a lot different to forgiveness.”a

One of my favorite sports is watching famous types scratch and gnaw at each other, but I squinted my eyes at something Kim said. I don’t think the Smashing Pumpkins were ever considered punk and I don’t know if they ever tried to be punk. But then again, I once watched two fake cholas badly dance to “Tonight, Tonight” while dressed up like dark fairies in my high school talent show and that’s pretty punk rock.

I don’t know if Kim is doing anyone full-time right now, but if she is, that someone better expect to receive a tear-stained, gunk-covered, strongly-worded letter from Billy Corgan warning them that she will ruin their life and career if they stay with her. It’ll be tear-stained and gunk-covered, because he’ll cry and spit up his creamed banana lunch while writing it.